"En liten kommentar"

Så... Dette var egentlig ment som en kort kommentar til et blogginnlegg av min kjære bror angående kjærlighet. Men en tanke ble til to, og plutselig var det et emne til eget blogginnlegg. Så jeg legger det ut her jeg :) Enjoy!


"I like your thoughts about this matter. I really do! Personally, I think we've gotten too used to this fast food deal: Anything you want at any time you want it in any place you want it, at a low price.

We're not really used to the idea that we have to work for something. That we have to hang in there, faithfully, without looking for the easy way out of the temporary bad times.

Although some might argue that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness before you find you've hit the wall, let me ask you: Couldn't something have prevented this endless walk in the tunnel, and are we walking alone, or is our partner actually in the same tunnel, right behind us, sighing for a solution, but because we're blinded by the imminent darkness right there and then, we can't see each other reaching, and so we're afraid to make the first move?

But wait, about now I'm guessing you'll argue that you're the one that's done all the reaching, and your (ex)partner just wouldn't respond to any of it, actually, he built the wall at the end of the tunnel. I have a question for you: Did it ever occur to you that you're communicating love and effort in two different languages?

"Of course" you might say - "what do you think, I'm stupid?" No. Not really. But you might have missed out on a couple of things.

How is it possible for two couples that have been dating just as much, are just as much in love, get married with the same happy, loving dreams of family and growing old together, to end up with divorce on one side, and 'happily ever after' on the other?

1. I think we often give up too easy. We're not ready to really fight. We have the idea, often from Hollywood, that if we just find the one, our marriage will be picture perfect, so if our marriage turns out not to be, if our spouses have faults we didn't see before, this wasn't the one and we'll get a divorce to find the actual one that will make us truly happy.

The problem though, is that a picture stays in the same way. It never changes. People do. All the time, and we might have to change with them. That's the wonderful journey of life - if we're prepared for it.

2. We don't see the whole picture. We see things from our perspective, and from the perspective of people who thinks like us. Face it, we usually don't like to hear perspectives that might prove us wrong. At least not if it's something that really matters, that puts us in a vulnerable position.

And that might prove to be a big problem, a really, truly big problem. Because, most of the time, we're drawn to the ones opposite of us. We want someone to complete us. They're interesting, fun, different, and it's charming. At first. (It’s actually proven that when we’re in love, we’re in a state of ’craziness’, which last about 2 years.) Then we fall down from our pink clouds and we face a reality that often catches us off guard.

His earlier charming ways of taking control, you now find manipulating. Her sweet little comments about the way you do things, turns into criticism. The drug that turned all to roses and rainbows have worn out. So, is it over? Is there no hope? Do we all just have to keep on moving every 2-5 years depending on how long we hang in there?

No. I don’t think so. I think we can make it. It’s all a matter of our point of view. If we can just work on them long enough, they’ll change into prince/princess charming, and we’ll have our fairytale ending. But it doesn’t work. Despite all of our efforts, they keep their frog-like habits, and refuse to take the crown.

Or is it really us? Are we simply the ones refusing to let go of the crown, not allowing ourselves to see their true beauty?

I actually think this is closer to the truth. Like I said, it’s all a matter of our point of view. If we realize that love isn’t about what we can get, but what we can give, I think we would be surprised. If we stop looking for faults in the other, and start looking at the positives instead, this alone can accomplish great things. If we ask what we can do to improve ourselves to love our partner in a better way, we’ll find he/she are asking themselves the very same after a while.
When we confirm our love for them, we’ll see they respond to it in a positive way.

This isn’t done over night. It takes time. We need to be willing to look at our own faults, work to improve them and be vulnerable to our partner. Ask them “do you feel loved?” if not, why? Listen. Don’t attack. Don’t defend yourself. It’ll hurt. But it is one powerful act of love. If we are truly interested in a long-lasting relationship, we need to look at ourselves from their point of view. They are the ones supposedly being loved by us. Who better to help? Communicate. They will too, eventually.

There is no magic formula. Time, love, and endurance through the good AND the bad times. They wouldn’t have put the bad part in the vows if there were none. I think earlier marriages succeeded with a much higher percentage because they were prepared for both the good times and the bad times. “I’m married. This is what I have, and I’ll stick to it. We’ll have our up’s and down’s, but I’m gonna do what I can to get the most up’s.” And they’d fight. Communicate. Give, and receive – not take.

Gosh. I could just go on and on for even longer about different personalities, love languages etc. This is something that I really care about. (Some great books about these subjects are “The 5 Love Languages” and “Personality Plus” & “Personality Plus For Couples” for those of you interested. Also one of the most famous passages of the Bible – 1.Cor.13 – about love is a great guideline as to how we can control ourselves in different situations to love even better.)

I began an hour ago only to make a brief comment, but it seems it turned out to be quite a rant of my own – hope you find it interesting, and not just a waste of time."